Written mostly 3 years ago, but updated now, this article is the culmination of an intense process. In reflective moments arising out of the stillness of the Now, vignettes, scenes from my life, and epiphany-like realizations have helped me to pinpoint where I am, as far as the course of my Inner and Outer journeys is concerned. The empathic resonations of others are catylysts for a number of realizations regarding our individual life paths and needs.
They have helped me to focus upon my Now, and why I am the way I am. These particular musing are for my own personal edification and help me to draw correlations between events that I have previously ‘not seen’ in a holistic sense, rather, I have been interpreting them individually, as individuated signposts, but not necessarily continuous telephone poles, if you get my analogy.
I first learned to enter deep into my ‘inner body’ as a pre-teen child, during experiences of sleep paralysis. Then, as a teen, in order to escape peer persecution I would go deep within until I could not hear the teasing and laughing around me…sometimes entering that deep, vast space that lay beneath Ego and hovering, silent and formless, above my body, temporarily oblivious to the ego-based fear complex that left me, at that time, shattered, confused and alone inside myself. Then, the spiritual ecstasy of my early adolescent experience of Oneness and its pervading and compassion that I’ve spoken of in other blogs released something pent within me, contextualized my experiences at such a tender age and set me on a path that culminated in my total immersion in the experiential world in my late teens and early 20s (early college and military years), so that when i entered my early mid-20s and began consciously and subconsciously experimenting with meditation techniques, I experienced successes beyond what might be considered those of a novice.
All of these experiences are returning to my mind now, as the knowledge coalesces past the border of gnosis and I recognize it all, intuitively, as steps, stages along the path that I’ve taken without formal guidance, but taken nonetheless. The zone, the astral traveling, the sleep paralysis, the ability to concentrate intensely, specific incidences and experiences that shine forth in the dim recesses of linear memory, seem bound now, by a tenuous thread of consciousness, of purpose. Each book; hundreds or thousands perhaps: science fiction, psychology, fantasy, self-help, meditative, spiritual, romance, adventure; each relationship: loving, hating, platonic, sexual, sensual, twisted, normal; each action: negative, positive, fear-based, love-based, lust-based; each result: good, bad, seemingly neutral, has contributed to the template of my Life, contributes to the templates of each of our lives as we consciously and unconcsiously co-create our shared realities with the greater Reality that is shared by all of Creation.
I recognize, in my life now, advanced stages, or the ambient results of long periods of meditation and the inner sojourn, and wonder why I’m here, in this particular place in my journey, and also why I’ve been so hesitant to ‘take the next step’.
That next step, of course, is the one taken by all true aspirants to spiritual elevation known as the ‘death of the Self’. Whether it be Bruce Wayne in the mountains of Asia under the tutaledge of Ra’s Al Ghul and the Brotherhood of Shadows, Luke Skywalker under the tutaledge of Yoda on Dagobah or any anonymous father anywhere in the world who has lost his entire family descending from that low to the visceral and soul-aching experience of the dark night of the Soul – from whence there are only two directions to proceed – every Soul must reap the inevitable karmic reprecussions of their soujourn upon this planet and the myriad realities dotting the ocean of consciousness, like so many pearls upon an infinite bed of obsidian sand.
The past few years have brought me to, through and past the point described above. Pain, heartache, failure. Rejection, isolation, enforced solitude. An intense examination of intentions and my life path has been the result. The recapitulation of a lifetime, of choices made, paths embarked upon, has been the methodology undertaken between bouts of recrimination and self-hatred, between moments, days and weeks of crass materiality and depthless spiritual supplication, seeking the god within and the God without.
Facing one’s inner Self is what most of us spend our entire lives trying not to do. Listening to the silence within, that lies just beneath the incessant chatter of our Egos, the constant rumination, mumblings, worries, natterings and nabobs of a terrible and sentient alien that masks itself as our Self. Cultivating the Now, silence, watchfulness, presence, reveals it tracks and it is always, instantly silenced in the face of our conscious scrutiny. Inner-body awareness, shifting attention to silence or space, bringing your awareness to the moment, the Now, are all effective methods to reveal this psychological construct that hijacks our spiritual and material lives before we’re even old enough to realize what is being done to us.
This inner body illumination, without mantra or visualization, can be a primary method of inner exploration for anyone, at any time. As above, so below, as within, so without. Illumination of the inner life sheds light upon the outer light and those around you will notice the difference in you as a palpable emanation, whether it be a greater sense of presence, peace, or both.
The bare outlines of possibility are tantalizing me just on the horizon of my previous experiments, and the ability to move ‘inside’ in order to allow the storms of life to pass is an irresistable goal, for me…emotional storms notwithstanding, the beauty of life becomes more visceral, the realization of Oneness more than an intellectual exercise, but a lived Reality. ‘Death to the Self’ is the imposition of Truth over the framework of truth. The sublimation of the subjective to the objective, a final opening of one’s life to the omniverse, releasing all pain, all happiness, all history, all future, into the expanse of Creation, baring yourself, exposing your innermost secrets, thoughts and dreams, to the world. And knowing, simultaneously, that all is One, that no one is better than any one, and that forgiveness, and surrender, are the only paths to the recognition of Love, that primal emanation exuded from the pores of the mulitverse itself, expressed through motion and kundalini’s serpeant-like coils, roiling beneath the veneer of time, and space, settling gently in the root chakra at the bottom of our spines, waiting for the opportunity to manifest its transformative Truthes in ever aspect of our lives.
The Sages say that the lusting after life, the sublimation of the Ego to the search for passion and fulfillment, is but a shadow of the true ecstasy possible in the spiritual realm. That a sexual orgasm is a pale rendition of the sublime rendering of ecstatic union, as is experienced by Spiritual Devotees of eternal parentage, throughout Time and across Space.
Moving beyond these limiting categories, we come to the realm of Eternity. The eternal Now, the only portal through which the un-manifested rises into manifestation. Breath-wise centered, solid, girded by the weight of flesh, the tuning perfection of blood and organs, Light blessed into Being we are, tossed into Creation and the joyous wonder of Life.