Obliterating Anger and Fear


Written, May 5, 2007. A window into the past, interesting to re-read in light of my present. I thank Divinity for all of my blessings, my experiences, my life. My love, my children, always close to my heart and soul, never distant from me and in my thoughts daily. May God’s will be done.

Wind whipping, the smell of a verdant early summer, honeysuckles and flowers blooming, the road thrumming beneath my bike tires, a truck of redneck college students pass, the passenger leans out and screams, hoping to scare me. I smile – a grimace, actually – not shook, shaken or stirred, then notice that the stoplight ahead is red. Turning green they turn, my heart boils and legs churn, cause like fools they’ve stopped at the gas station and I make that fateful choice, to follow suit to share with them my voice, my boistrous and most vicious salutation.

Screaming, cursing I follow one in who blames his brothers, his face blanching, fidgeting, saying it wasn’t him, it must have been his friend. Intent, but recognizing the lie inside i follow his lead nonetheless and, screaming and cursing, I head back outside to accost their numb, dumb-ass sensibilities, my 6’4, 230 pound ass glowering and hovering, demanding an accounting as they act like the cowards they are. Their denials are laughable trials and I chuckle silently, returning within to the original, lying-ass, perpetrating fiend I scream, “You lucky i’m a grown ass man, mothafucka or else I’d take yo’ ass out”, to his head-shaking mortified fear, ignoring me as if I wasn’t the butt of his dangerous joke just 2 minutes before. Heading out I ride into traffic again, across the busy thoroughfare and home, where turmoil lives and breathes, and the noise and drama, love and souls boiling over steams, pristine in its mean, unadulterated glory.

Passed my orals and proposal defense and now I’m ABD, about to be free, at least in part, I’m a bit at ease. Free of what, I wonder sometimes, because freedom is just a state of mind. Where have I been, where have my thoughts rested, my desires and dreams born of a stream of visions and portents brought about by discontent, wondering how life brought me here and why I allow fear to pass through me resting momentarily but long enough to ease my thoughts into deep, deep patterns of disease and malcontent. That’s truly bent y’all and yet the spirit recognizes the call, I hear it daily, hourly and momentarily, my faith is stong and I know that nothing really goes wrong. Living that truth is something else, despite the fall of emotions into our daily selves, actions speak for themelves, the reality of the Now a secret promise to Self to awaken at a moment’s call, to pull back from the brink and hope your momentum stalls.

The other day I lost my magnetic bracelet my mama gave me cause I was beating against the side of a bus that wouldn’t stop, leading to a shouting match with a bus commander cop type that didn’t like me hitting on his vehicles, while I, the student who pays his wages gets left in the dusty poison late, for what, an unimportant date that ain’t the point anyway, cause I’m talking about my mama’s bracelet, magnetic, sensitive to emotional electro-magnetic output and it left me that day, and most certainly found it’s way to a soul more at ease, and while I miss it most certainly, I dream that bracelet’s free to realize it’s destiny away from me.

Grounded in life my emotions surge, i seek out strife and shout out to the sky, wanting to smash through the glass window and run outside naked in the rain, my tears mingling with my pain and my joy, that happy core that lives eternally inside of me that sings while the screaming fills my ears and shrill laughter makes fun of my fears all the while dancing to the beat of wide open skies thrumming to the booming cloud drums passing by leaving me high, high and crooning to the moon like a loon, chuckling and finally noticing that I’m in the middle of town buck nekkid looking like a clown my silly-ass grin portending an awakening from a dream, I mean it seems like I’m living some other life sometimes, as if I fell into a coma and woke up on the wrong side of night, my antimatter reality a song I sing to keep my soul clean casting dirt and detritus to the side while I ready myself for the bumpy part of the ride.

And it’s coming y’all, I can feel it right now, in the air, beneath the electric static of the tv, the redneck boys screaming like me, karma coming back on they asses immediately and, like a vengeful banshee I’m on it, the scorpion scorpio in me grinning with unholy glee, seeking expression and an opening through which to flee its cage, deep inside my mind but beyond, intertwined with spirit and soul, totally aware that the goal is his demise, hence his powerful presence in my life.

Waking to tommorrow’s problems I growl and leap inside, knowing that, no matter what, my blessings are as remorseless as the tide, that giving my life to divinity frees me to be, letting go of worry and fear, which is KEY.

Watching the multiverse work to my benefit is like feeling a curse lifting, seeing the piano falling, suddenly stalling then jerking to one side to be the nightmare in somebody else’s life. Recognizing karma’s interplay and not playing into the creation of new debt is like a bet made in a past life, the payment’s come due in the momentary absolution of neverending strife. Being the witness while engaging in controlled folly the amusement of godlings, the proof of the divine line merging into Oneness, my rage a stage of recognition, the power of play a pending premonition.

But y’all don’t hear me though. One more time around the playground and we’ll all meet at the merry-go-round, swinging and shouting, eyes closed leaning and spinning! Life is posed upon the brink of eternity, our souls are glowing with the light of infinity this joy growing and bursting from the very heart of me, I offer to you as a cure for your blues, to this incarnation, we must ALL be true.  Night falls and children’s prayers offered aloft ring out, echoing  in my ears, past the  drone of  computerized lies, these eyes opened wide to the contradictions, inside. So hum with me as the spiritual glides, the old one hundreds sung as the spirits moan and cry, wishing life upon us all, death’s coming, so we better stand tall.

Peace and Blessings to the journey, I offer libations to the Ancestors in the gloaming, twilight’s birthing, our earthen delight.

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3 Comments

  1. Mmm… Mesmerised by all that is you within me. In this moment your words become steps of miriad proportion reaching through the veil to gently choax some semblance of a dream… A dream to embrace the interdimensional shift as we are, we mingle, ether and conciousness in persuit of the divine.

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